Tag Archive - relationship

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Why Holiness isn’t what most Churches think it is

Sunday, January 13, 2019

At Sun Valley, the church I have the honor of serving at, once a month we gather our team together from all of our campuses. We spend time worshiping together, we share wins with each other, we communicate some stuff that we everyone needs to know, we share a meal together and we do some leadership training with everyone. From time to time I share some of those thought here with you when they may be helpful. This month Chad Moore, who serves as the Lead Pastor at Sun Valley kicked off the new year with our team with a talk that may challenge you to think differently about holiness and following Jesus.

Big Question: How do you know when you’re growing in holiness?

  • What does Jesus mean when He says, “By holy as I am holy?”
  • Technically the word holy means “set apart,” but what does that practically and daily mean for us?
  • For most of us growing up in church, holiness was more about what we don’t do…it was behavior oriented. If that’s accurate then holiness is all about following the rules.
  • But Jesus says holiness = loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength; and loving your neighbor as yourself…functionally speaking holiness is relational in nature.

Big Answer: You know you’re growing in holiness when you’re growing in relationship with God and people.

  • Everything that God wants to do in our lives this year is relational.
  • If you can’t be holy you have nothing else left but to be weird by trying to follow a bunch of rules.
  • Jesus said that the world will know us by our love for one another = by the quality of our relationships.
  • Ask most people in church about holy living and they’ll go to a list of what they have done and haven’t done this past week.
  • So many churches leave the relational component out of following Jesus when relationships are the beginning and end of what holiness actually is.
  • The reason the Church is irritating to so many people around the world isn’t because we don’t have the truth or good theology but because we don’t have love. This is why the bible describes love in terms and phrases like, “if I have everything right and together and don’t have love I’m still irritating to everyone around me,”…even if I’m right.
  • Holiness is relational.
  • You cannot be following Jesus in a real way and be a jerk.
  • Relational health is spiritual health.
  • The reason heaven is heaven is because relationships are perfect there.
  • Holiness is relational…that is the Christian life.
  • The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.
Posted in Leadership

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What makes Emotionally Intelligent Church Leaders Different?

Sunday, July 8, 2018

The best church leaders don’t simply spend time learning new stuff about the bible, praying 24-7, discovering new management techniques or understanding organizational theory. They spend time on becoming better at the art of leading through relationships. After all relationships are both the glue and the grease that make work, happen.

And before you blow this post off and chalk it up to a bunch of business stuff being applied to church world…think again…this is all rooted in the Bible.

Emotionally Intelligent leaders are great at building effective interpersonal relationships with their team. Which is essentially the combination of being simultaneously self-aware and others focused.

But what are some things that these leaders actually do differently?

The Art of Timing

It’s a gift to say the right thing at the right time. The Bible puts it this way in Proverbs 15:23 “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!”

Emotionally intelligent leaders are disciplined with their words and craft their words intentionally. Not in a manipulative manner but in a way that serves people well. They don’t always say everything they see or feel for that matter. They are wise about giving people what they can handle or need at the time to help them move in the right direction.

Others Focused

Emotionally intelligent leaders are others focused. Both Jesus and the Apostle Paul linked spiritual maturity to living an others-oriented life. Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

While Paul put it this way in Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Emotionally intelligent leaders don’t focus on themselves they focus on the team, because they know that the team out performs the individual every time.

Self-Awareness

The best leaders I’ve ever been around are quick to take personal responsibility when things go wrong. Instead of looking outward and shifting blame they choose to shoulder the blame themselves. This takes a tremendous amount of confidence and self-awareness. And of course, the enemy of self-awareness is self-deception. Self-deception can be a dangerous thing. It can make you believe more or less about yourself than you should. You can even fool yourself into thinking more or less about others than you should. Emotionally intelligent leaders are sober minded, they know who they are, and they know who they’re not, and they do what’s best for the team. They are quick to take personal ownership when things go south and give out praise when things go well.

Jeremiah 17-9-10 “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”

Posted in Leadership

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How to get People to Follow You

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Leadership can be a funny thing. It’s more than just influence. And while anyone can learn leadership principles the Bible teaches us that leadership is a spiritual gift. The easiest way to tell if you have the spiritual gift of leadership is to look and see if people are following you. But how do you get people to follow you?

Moral Authority

Church leaders can’t lead at a very high level very long without leading with moral authority. These leaders are who they say they are and who they appear to be. They don’t ask people to do something that you aren’t willing to do yourself.

Competency

You might be able to fake it for a while, but eventually your level of competency will catch up to you. If you want people to follow you then you’ve got to actually be able to do your job. You have to know what you’re doing. You have to deliver. And as your level of responsibility and authority goes up your capacity to learn has to go up as well.

Trust

Trust is the fuel that leadership runs on. When trust is high there is an environment for momentum, wins are celebrated, and people follow leadership because they believe in the leader and where the leader is taking them. When trust is low skepticism runs high, progress comes to a screeching halt, and the tenure of the leader is short-lived. 

Relationship

Relationships are built up close and over time. But they can be destroyed in a moment. People follow people who love them, listen to them, are vulnerable with them and exercise authentic humility. Lead out of your weakness and you’ll never run out of material, and people will be able to relate to you.

Posted in Leadership

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Choosing the Right Small Group Model for your Church

Sunday, December 13, 2015

When it comes to Small Group most churches jump from model to model. They get all fired up about the latest book they’ve read or conference they’ve gone to and change models so quickly that they end up confusing people. They don’t allow any one model to take root and produce fruit.

There are pros and cons to all of the models below, but the goal of all of this group stuff is to simply make disciples. If that’s happening, then choose the best model that fits the unique personality of your church.

A couple of weeks ago I shared a post that came out of a conversation I had with the consulting team at the Unstuck Group. We were talking about helping churches get unstuck when it comes to the disciple-making ministry at their church. In particular we were discussing Small Groups. In the conversation Chris Surratt who runs SmallGroup.com and serves as a Ministry Consultant with the Unstuck Group identified 6 different kinds of group models I wanted to share with you.

#1 Free Market Groups

In free market groups the old adage “birds of a feather, flock together” rules. Groups are built based on affinity. In this kind of group, the content isn’t as important as the relationship. Groups typically pick their own content. There are hiking groups, fishing groups, scrap-booking groups, surfing groups, you name the hobby and there can be a group built around it.

#2 Closed Groups

Closed groups are simply that, closed. They form and commit to meet together for 18-24 months and go through a particular curriculum together. They don’t add anyone new to that group once the group begin, hence the term “closed.” At the end of that time commitment they either re-up or intentionally break apart to start new groups.

#3 Sermon Based Groups

Sermon based groups reinforce the sermon that is preached each weekend at church. There is no curriculum needed, only discussion questions provided to the group leaders for further study of Gods’ Word and discussion about the sermon. Anybody can participate if they heard the sermon that weekend or listened online.

#4 Host Groups

Host groups are often campaign oriented. Similar to a “40 Days of…” campaign. The content is completely provided in a kit and all you have to do is host the group in your home, play the video for everyone to watch and facilitate a prescribed conversation. Often times in this kind of group the host doesn’t even need to be a Christian, they just need to host the group.

#5 Hub Groups

Hub groups are similar to free market groups except they’re built around key stage of life “hubs.” Ministries such as men’s, women’s, parents, singles, and marriage ministries would all fall into this category.

#6 On Campus Groups

On campus groups are groups that meet on the church campus on a weekly basis. The most common example of this is Sunday School Classes. On campus groups have a tendency to be more lecture format and content heavy in nature.

*What other kinds of groups have you seen or been a part of? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear about your experiences!

Posted in Leadership, Spiritual Formation

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3 lessons i’ve learned from 16 years of marriage

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I can’t believe Lisa and I just celebrated 16 years of marriage! It feels like everything is going in fast forward these days! The relationship is getting richer and I’m learning to soak up incredible moments that I would have skimmed over just a few years ago. While I could write out a grocery list of the things I’ve learned through the years, here are the three that are at the forefront currently:

1. When you love someone, you love what he or she loves

In the book of Philippians the Apostle Paul puts it this way: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” As we mature in our relationship with Christ and our spouse that maturity drives us towards love and love is the opposite of self-centeredness. Marriage simply isn’t about us, and the deeper that truth sinks in the better our marriage becomes.

2. The depth of love in a relationship shows up in the subtleties

Anybody can plan big the moments and save up and drop a lot of dough on a special occasion. But it’s the everyday glances, touches, words, tone, body language and subtleties that set the temperature of a marriage. Do the small stuff everyday.

3. The Principle of Compounding Interest

Nobody’s marriage falls apart overnight. Just like no one builds a great marriage overnight. It takes a commitment to consistent behavior demonstrated over an extended period of time. To rip off a line from Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans, “It’s like Novocain, just give it time, it always works.” The payoff comes from consistently doing the right thing everyday.

 Interested in more tips on marriage and learning from my mistakes? Check out 14 Lessons from 14 Years of Marriage

Posted in Family
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